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Twilight items
Nov. 18th, 2009 02:31 pmI don't know if you guys are aware of this, but the vampires in those books every thirteen-year-old girl reads believe in abstinence! The AV Club's Amelie Gillette wrote a funny column on this topic, entitled, "What Will Be The Next Abstinence Vampire?". Some of her suggestions: Purity Ring Werewolf, 100-Calorie-Pack Wild Centaur, Community Service Mummy. She also describes the movie sequel New Moon as "the movie in which an Abstinence Vampire, a CGI Husky, and An Oversized Bottle of Vitamin Water battle for the affection of a brooding girl who gets a paper cut while opening a birthday present".
Apparently, in last book, the heroine finds out she's pregnant (of course she had sex with her vampire boyfriend AFTER they were married). Said vampire husband says she should abort, cause it's a monster baby*, but she refuses, even though the unnaturally strong half-vampire baby breaks her ribs, her pelvis and finally her spine. And then, because her womb has turned into vampire flesh thanks to the Death Baby, vampire husband has to BITE HER OPEN to deliver it, because the only thing strong enough to get through vampire flesh is vampire teeth. And then, because she's dying, they turn her into a vampire. Then the werewolf falls in love with the baby as soon as it's born, for some bullshit non-pedophile reason called "imprinting." So yeah, it's a romance novel that ends with a werewolf getting a hard-on for a mutant half-breed vampire baby.
*Not to be confused with the awesome song "Monster Babies" by Random Axe.
Apparently, in last book, the heroine finds out she's pregnant (of course she had sex with her vampire boyfriend AFTER they were married). Said vampire husband says she should abort, cause it's a monster baby*, but she refuses, even though the unnaturally strong half-vampire baby breaks her ribs, her pelvis and finally her spine. And then, because her womb has turned into vampire flesh thanks to the Death Baby, vampire husband has to BITE HER OPEN to deliver it, because the only thing strong enough to get through vampire flesh is vampire teeth. And then, because she's dying, they turn her into a vampire. Then the werewolf falls in love with the baby as soon as it's born, for some bullshit non-pedophile reason called "imprinting." So yeah, it's a romance novel that ends with a werewolf getting a hard-on for a mutant half-breed vampire baby.
*Not to be confused with the awesome song "Monster Babies" by Random Axe.
